The Greatest Plan Ever
by Shitsuren Pikapikahikaru
Summary: Oneshot, crack. Hanabi is horrible at planning of any kind, Neji and Sasuke read 'Icha Icha' and Naruto is molested by Anko.


_**The Greatest Plan Ever**_

_Disclaimer: I own Naruto. Volumes 1, 3, 8, 9, 10, and 11._

_Summary: Hanabi's plan comes out a bit worse that expected, due to _unusual_ persuasion tactics._

**This is my first completed Naruto fanfic. The pairings are, well, NarutoxAnko, I guess. Though, you could say that is's one-sided. Definitely. As you may have noticed, this story has been given a bit of an update. The Japanese you may find scattered about, don't worry. There's not much of it, and it's only used to describe things that are...well, Japanese. Like senbon, Shuriken and the like. There will also be a translation key at the bottom.**

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"Naruto-nii-san! Naruto-nii-san!" cried Moegi, running at a rapid pace toward the boy, who was busily stuffing ramen into his face at Ichiraku's Ramen. It was a wonder that he even had the decency to look up and smile at her, even if he had a piece of _naruto_ stuck to his round face.

"Hey, Moegi. What's up? Where are Konahamaru and…umm…umm the other one?"

"Udon-kun." said Moegi flatly as Naruto emptied his third bowl of ramen, and started to lick the broth from the bottom of the bowl. "And, everyone's at the Hyuuga place. Hanabi-chan has come up with a plan!"

"Isn't she, (slurp, slurp) like, two years younger than you?" said Naruto between licks.

"Hanabi-chan is only a year younger than me." corrected Moegi. "But we're at the Hyuuga compound because it's her plan."

Naruto blinked.

"What's up with the Hyuuga (lick) compound anyway? Are you even (slurp slurp) allowed in there?"

"No." said Moegi with a sly grin.

Naruto stopped licking his bowl, and mirrored Moegi's expression.

"So, what's the plan?"

---

"That is SO good." said Naruto, his eyes closing, as his enormous smile had left no room for them.

Moegi grinned, sticking out her tongue. Then her face froze for a second, her tongue slipping back into her mouth.

"Umm, Naruto-nii-san, you realize you still have a _naruto_ on your cheek…right?"

"That's stupid. How can I be stuck on my own face?"

"Not, you Naruto nii-san! From the ramen"

"Umm…no I don't, Believe it!"

Moegi stared at him in terror. Believe it? What the hell was that?

"Yes, yes you do."

Naruto leaned in, his eyes suddenly turning red, with foxlike pupils.

"_WE SHALL SPEAK OF THIS, NO MORE_."

"Uh…uhm…okay…" said Moegi, her eyes widening slightly.

"Good," said Naruto, grabbing her hand. "We go now."

---

About thirty minutes later, Naruto seated himself of a beanbag in Hyuuga Hanabi's room. Apparently, when Moegi said everyone, she'd meant _everyone_. Kiba and Akamaru sprawled out on the bed, snoring softly while Konahamaru poked them in the side with a large kunai. Udon stared in wonder at Hanabi, who was gracefully unrolling a map, presumably of her plans.

Ino and Chouji were playing patty-cake in the corner, as Sasuke and Neji peeked over Kakashi's shoulder to read his '_Icha Icha Paradise_' novel. In fact Iruka was holding them up, much to Kakashi's chagrin.

Anko, who was sitting on the dresser sipping some strong _sake_, suddenly decided to notice Naruto. She waved furiously; managing to fall off the dresser, face first onto the floor. Hanabi glared coldly at her.

"Don't drool on the carpet, you uncivilized pagan." She hissed.

"Geese." slurred Anko. "I though I was supposed to be the snake…you conceited little bitch."

"Awww, thank you." said Hanabi, blushing.

Naruto glanced back and forth at all of them. There was something seriously wrong here. For one, Sai was swinging from the chandelier, Shikamaru was braiding Temari's hair, Kankuro was juggling Karasu and Kuro Ari, and Hinata had been out cold ever since Naruto had walked into the room.

"Okay-dokie-sweeeeeetheart…(hic)." said Anko, prying herself up from her make-out session with the floor. She stumbled over to Naruto, flinging her arm over his shoulder. She smiled cutely at him, or rather, it would have been cute if it wasn't for the stream of drool dripping down her cheek.

"Naruto-chaaan…" she said in his ear in what she thought was a husky whisper. "You're coming to the laundry with me to help me wash my panties."

"Nooooo!"

"Geez, you'd think a guy would be delighted by the prospect."

"I only like _clean _panties." said Naruto, folding his arms.

"Yo." said Kakashi, saluting. "I'll take you up on that offer, Anko."

"Perv."

"Duuude," said Sai. "That chick is totally _nailed_, and she still won't go out with you!"

"Ah, shut-up. Hey, what the hell are you doing here anyway? You don't appear until the Naruto II arc!"

"Wha! Uh-oh." said Sai. He went through a small conniption, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Well," said Kakashi, staring on with lidded eyes. "That solves one problem."

"HEY!" screamed Hanabi, immediately quieting the room. Well, except for Sasuke and Neji, who landed on the ground with a resounding thump as Iruka's strength gave out.

Hanabi walked to the front of the room, pointing to her map with a _senbon_.

"Okay, you heathen fools. This," she said, tapping the map. "is a map of the Hyuuga complex. For so long, we have prepared for this moment. We have gathered and trained together."

"Umm, not really. We all just got here today." Neji pointed out as he scratched his ass.

Hinata awoke for a few moments, only to see Naruto struggling to free himself from Anko's lap while she shoved her hand up his pants. Needless to say, she wasn't conscious for long.

"_As I was saying_, Hinata, Neji and I know the compound best as superior Hyuugas. So, we shall initiate the plan immediately. You may notice, though this complex is enormous and holds more than a hundred people, there is only one bathroom. So, we will slip laxatives into everyone's drinks during mealtimes…and then while everyone is distracted, we will RAID THE FRIDGE!"

Everyone stared blankly at Hanabi. Well, except for Naruto, who had been too busy trying to escape from Anko's death grip as her fingers wiggled around in his…hair. Yes, that's it. She was petting his hair.

"You told us you were going to blow up the Kids Next Door!" howled Kiba, who had previously been awakened by a particularly hard poke from Konahamaru's kunai.

"You told us we were going to steal Kakashi's book!" yelled Neji and Sasuke simultaneously, taking a break from discussing ways to kill people with their freaky eye bloodlines.

"HURGH?" said Kakashi, in an impeccable imitation of Scooby-Doo.

"You told me we were going to get Anko drunk!" screamed Sai, who'd somehow managed to reappear a few seconds before Hinata momentarily regained consciousness.

"We did that," growled Hanabi, her already miniature amount of patience wearing thin.

"Well, I suppose. But for your sins, I will relieve you of your toy Pikachu!" cried Sai manically as he reached for a yellow plush from Hanabi's shelf'

"Swiper, no swiping!" yelled Hanabi loudly .

Sai froze, then took a step forward.

"Swiper no swiping!"

Another step.

"SWIPER NO SWIPING!"

"Aww, _maaaaan_!" said Sai, hanging his head as he disappeared once again.

After this had blown over (which didn't that long), all the assembled ninja began ranting about the plan, which seemed to change from forcing the owner of Ichiraku's into slavery to giving Tsunade a wedgie. It could be said it varied from person to person.

A few screams of outrage, a flurry of kunai and exploding tags, and the ninja completely disappeared from Hanabi's room. Including Hanabi, who had to drag away her incapacitated sister. No…no wait. It seemed there was someone left. The smoke cleared, revealing Naruto and Anko.

"Well, (hic) honey, I guess it's just us…"

"Eeep!"

And a scream was heard as she pinched his cheeks.

All of them.

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**_naruto_**: When Moegi refers to naruto of our hero's face she means the food. Naruto is a topping on ramen.

**_senbon_**: Haku's needles, 'nuff said.

**_kunai_**: Either you are an idiot, or you do not watch/read Naruto. Or you are an idiot who watches/reads Naruto.

**_sake_**: It's some form of alcohol or other


End file.
